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Best Light-Bulb Jokes How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb must want to change. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many L.A. cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six: one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to pieces. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many members of U2 does it take to screw in a light bulb? One: Bono will hold the bulb while the world revolves around him. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Englishmen does it take to change a light bulb? What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Hollywood executives does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but you have to promise Arnold or Bruce will star, creative control and an $80 million budget. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many FBI agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? That information <deleted> <deleted> when the <deleted> possibly at the behest of <deleted> national security <deleted>. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One: but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burned out. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many software programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None: that's a hardware problem. ----------------------------------------------------------------- How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven: One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, but they're really only one. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many AOLers does it take to change a light bulb? What? You can change light bulbs? ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to change the bulb, and one to complain about how much better life was before electricity. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, and that's not funny! ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight truckloads of light bulbs! ------------------------------------------------------------------ How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness (tm) as the industry standard. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many KGB agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: There never was any light bulb. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb? We just notice the room is dark; we don't actually fix the problems. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Webmasters does it take to change a light bulb? 404 (Not found). ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? The chance meeting of two: One who holds the pink giraffe, and the other who fills the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb? Just one but she'll say your disbelief is why she didn't know it would go out. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? What does it matter, we're all gonna die anyway. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many audiophiles does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he'll state that oil-burning copper lamps produced superior illumination. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Internet newsgroup users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fifty. One to do it and 49 to talk about it on alt.bulbs.d. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many spammers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, but they'll offer to sell everybody in the world a quick and profitable method for doing it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many jazz musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? As many as you've got, and they'll just improvise on the earlier procedure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Trotskyites does it take to screw in a light bulb Two: one to screw it in, and a second to hand out the leaflets. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many support technicians does it take to change a light bulb? We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch? ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many anthropologists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One or two plus their grad students, but they'll want to know how your mother's family did it and whether that knowledge is passed along at adolescence. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit.... ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Elvis impersonators does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares? ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many American standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb? You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling me about her cat. Man, I f****** hate people who don't use their turn signals. F***. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS.... ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many internet mail list members does it take to change a light bulb? 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers. 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.light.bulb. 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too". 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three". 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.light.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 to vote for alt.light.bulb.
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