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Back to First Page Suit Single Lady
By David Gardiner
This story may be reproduced in whole or in part for any non-commercial purpose provided that authorship is acknowledged and credited.
Oh hello! I didn’t hear you come in. I must have dozed off in this chair.
No, that’s perfectly okay. That was why I left the front door open. I don’t always hear the doorbell, so I ask people to knock instead. My mother used to knock on the floor, so I always hear that. Sit down, let your eyes get used to the low light. I keep the shutters closed, I don’t like it too bright. It’s not good for the books. My name is Danny. What should I call you? … Monica? That’s a lovely name. It’s like my mother’s middle name, Monique, the French version.
How did you hear about the room?
Oh yes, the one on the College notice board. This would be a perfect place for somebody who’s studying. It’s a very quiet house. I read a lot and I have great respect for learning, even though I’m not what you would call an educated man. These are my books—all around us. The thirty-volume set is the Encyclopaedia Britannica, 1979 edition. My mother got that as a present when I was very young. Well, to be honest it was a present from my father: the only thing he ever gave her she said, apart from me. He was an encyclopaedia salesman. He used to tell my mother facts. My mother liked facts—do you like facts? Then when she got ill she used to teach me things from it. She needed somebody with her all the time, you see, so she had to educate me at home.
You don’t mind me making notes while we talk, do you? I think it’s very important to keep records.
What are you studying at the College? … Tourism. Is that a college subject? Yes, I suppose it must be, why not? Lots of people work in tourism, don’t they? Ask me a tourism question and see if I can answer it. Go on. Anything. Give it a try.
All right then, capital cities. Ask me a capital city. … Peru? That’s too easy. The capital of Peru is Lima. It’s the second oldest South American capital, founded in 1535 by Francisco Pizarro who called it The City of Kings. It’s population in 1977 was approximately four point six million. Its average elevation is 154 metres above sea level. Seasonal average temperatures vary between 13 and 26 degrees Centigrade and the rainy season is June to September. Pretty good, eh?
Ask me a hard one—one of the smaller African countries, maybe, or some little British protectorate. You won’t catch me out, you know. It’s all… in here. In my head. Do you think I would be a good tourism student?
The room? Yes, it was my mother’s room. It’s quite a good size and very neat and tidy… well, we’ll go up and see it in a minute. You would be welcome to use this room too of course—for your studies, in the evenings. You would have the Encyclopaedia, and all these books. And I might even be able to help if there was something you didn’t know. You’d be surprised at the kind of things I know. Ask me another one. Go on. Anything. Plants. Animals. Sport. History. Philosophy. Science. Music. Literature. Go on. As hard as you like. …. Okay. I’ll help you. The chemical elements. There were 106 chemical elements known in 1979, numbered one to 106. Give me any atomic number and I’ll tell you about the element.
Seventy-five? Right. The element with atomic number seventy-five is rhenium. Its atomic mass is 183.23 and it has the third highest melting point of all the elements, after carbon and tungsten. It’s used mainly in alloys with tungsten and molybdenum to create filaments for very high temperature incandescent lamps. Research is being done into the medical properties of its compounds and a report on this is being prepared for a later edition. You see, Monica? It’s all in here. There isn’t much that I can’t tell you. Except of course the stuff that’s being held back for later editions. I could help you a lot with your studies.
Why did I ask for a lady and not a gentleman? Well, I’ve never lived with a gentleman. I’ve looked after my mother for more than twenty years. I know all about looking after ladies. I’m very good at, and I like doing it. I know what women need and how they’re feeling. If you were up there I would know, almost before you did yourself, what you needed and how you were feeling. I studied my mother you see. I observed her, and made notes, and came up with theories, and tested my predictions against actual outcomes. It was like being a scientist, or a birdwatcher, in a hide with binoculars. I had to find ways of seeing without being seen. You mustn’t interfere with your experimental subject. That’s how the scientific method works. There’s an article about it in Volume Twelve. It all comes down to good observation and being systematic. And now that she’s… no longer with us, I want to make use of everything that I’ve learned. I want somebody else to have the benefit of my insights, my research into the female gender.
I had this idea… not very realistic I suppose… that one day I might write an article on women for a future edition. I don’t suppose they would want an article from somebody like me, somebody without degrees and letters after his name, but you never know, do you? Because there isn’t anything about women in the 1979 edition. Women’s achievements and women’s politics and diseases of women and female biology yes, but not women as such. Not what makes them happy and what makes them sad and why they need to let off steam every now and again, and why they make bad decisions and end up being sorry for the rest of their lives. But that’s the kind of thing that we really need to know, isn’t it? Simple things. Basic things. You seem surprised. Is it such an odd idea? I’m probably not explaining it very well. But if you—or somebody—lived here, we could talk about it, couldn’t we? We could work on it together. It could be… our little private pet project. And just having you here would double the size of my sample.
That’s entirely okay. If it isn’t the kind of thing that interests you I can just do it myself. I’ve always wanted to write some kind of encyclopaedia article you see, but there isn’t anything that I know enough about, except what I said. Looking after women. That’s the only field that I’ve had any opportunity to study. We’ve always just been here, my mother and myself, studying one another you might almost say.
I’ve never had a holiday you know. Wouldn’t have been practicable with Mother the way that she was. You must find that very odd, studying tourism like you do. I know about most countries, all the countries that were there in 1979, but I haven’t been to any of them. I haven’t felt the sun on my face or the palm leaves brushing my arms or smelled the open sewers of Delhi, or seen the pyramids or the Statue of Liberty or the waves on Waikiki Beach. You’ve done all that, haven’t you? I can tell that you have. So in a way, we would complement one other. The theory and the practice. The book learning, and the dirt on your hands. I mean that metaphorically, of course. Your hands are very clean. Lovely, fine, delicate fingers. You have beautiful hands.
Look, I’m sorry, I don’t know what you must think of me. I’ve really said far too much, please forgive me.
You don’t? But you haven’t seen the room yet. Come upstairs and take a look at it at least. It’s a very good room. You would have plenty of space, and if you ever needed anything all you would have to do is knock on the floor.
Am I asking too much rent? If that’s the problem we could talk about it. We could even come to some other arrangement entirely. You see I really would like to have you—or somebody—it would be, what shall I say, mutually beneficial. The room’s just going to waste…
Don’t go yet. If you don’t want the room that’s okay, I don’t mind. Just talk to me for a little while. Tell me why it is that I can’t find anybody… for my room.
Is it all these facts that I know? Does my learning intimidate people? Is there something that I’ve been saying, that would be better left unsaid?
Okay. Just a feeling. I can understand that.
Do you know what was inscribed above the door of the Temple of the Oracle at Delphi? That was the place where people in the ancient world used to go seeking wisdom. No? Well, it said, “Know Thyself”. But how do you know yourself? Is there any way to do it? I looked it up but there isn’t any article about it, in any of the volumes. There isn’t anything about that or about women either. About what women want, I mean, how to please them—look after them. Please, don’t go yet, talk to me just for a little while…
All right then, but I did enjoy our little chat. Really I did.
I suppose those topics must have been held back for a future edition…
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