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The fact that you can read this means you have some connection with and experience of computers. These items are here to reassure you that things really are as bad as they seem.

We all know that Microsoft has secret settings built-in to every version of Windows. Our intrepid hacker was able to find a few of them:

Behind Closed Windows

There are even special editions available only to Bill Gates' closest family and co-conspirators that incorporate features designed by SIRAT himself:

Word for SIRAT

We have also been given a sneak preview of some of the features planned for future editions of Word. The designers have become aware that the Paperclip Creature has received some negative press, partly as a result of its interfering tendencies (see below)

May I Bollocks it Up?

... and so Microsoft are developing more user-friendly versions, such as the cuddly little puppy-dog who doesn't interfere with your letter-writing at all:

I'm Such a Cute Little Son-of-a-bitch

Another area of constant reserarch for Microsoft concerns the error messages generated by their various consumer products. Here are some you will be seeing in the near future:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Play again?
9) Mistake! Do you wish to reformat your brain?
10) God is rebooting the universe, please wait.
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington DC? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/Windows found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic


Dr Seuss Explains Why Computers Crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cus sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!!


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Microsoft Frozen TV Dinners

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap>. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after july 2003. However, that version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

--- attributed to Robert Wilensky, University of California at Berkeley

Bill Gates was a guest speaker at a recent computer exhibition (COMDEX).

During his address he reportedly compared the computer industry with the American car industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Mr Welch himself issued a General Motors press release stating the following:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT" But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure? before going off.

10. Occassionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
it came with my pea sea
it plainly marques four my revue
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say
weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite
its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
its letter perfect awl the weigh
my chequer tolled me sew

Dear Technical Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new programme began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall does not work on this programme.

Can you help please?

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT programme. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as that system would then merely emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the programme files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than they had using the original configuration.

Look in your manual under “Warnings - Alimony / Child Support”. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application programm C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF’s)

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great programme, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I suggest Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause catastrophic failure of all parts of your system.

Exit Assistant


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