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It's Against the Law

Q:What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Q: Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.

True Court-room Transcripts

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". They're things people actually said in court, word for word.


LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?



Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q: This myasthenia gravis-- does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


Q: How old is your son-- the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.


Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.


Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to music school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about until the next morning?


Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?


Q: Did he kill you?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

The Criminal Mind

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank
of America, walked into the branch and wrote 'this iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note
to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the
note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he
left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it, and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the
police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line
back at Bank of America.

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received
in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment,
he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police that contained another picture - of

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a
car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and
told the man who answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and
wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense", said
Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court.
He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a
packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a
five-minute recess to compose himself.

In Oklahoma City, Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a
convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant
District Attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of
defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the
robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I
should have blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then
quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20
minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

R. C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing
their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood.
When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for
identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it
into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because
information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old
armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber
said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he
didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out
of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and
agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he
got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
it startled the first bandit and he shot his accomplice.


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