Odds and Sods

Jokes from around the world and beyond, specially stolen for this collection

From the annals of QANTAS...

Nicola's letter

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Arthur Scargill: It had been so exploited, brainwashed and deceived by the farming class that it no longer understood that its true interests lay on its own side of the road.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road, who cares why? Chickens cross roads, producing situations which can provide the alert motorist with a free dinner.

Timothy Leary: Because it was the only kind of trip the Establishment would allow him to take.

Freud: The fact that you even notice a chicken crossing the road is highly revealing with regard to your state of clinical sexual frustration.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Darwin: Over many eons of bird evolution a chicken has emerged with a predisposition for crossing roads.

Fox Moulder: That is the question they WANT you to ask. You've got to try to look at the bigger picture.

National Front Spokesman: To steal a job and a house from a decent hard-working Englishman.

Martin Luther King: I envision a world in which every chicken that wants to can cross the road freely, safely and with dignity: and those who are not chickens shall neither notice this event nor deem it worthy of comment.

Hegel: The non-presence of a chicken on the opposite side of the road produced a dialectical tension in which "Chickenlessness" contradicted "Chickenfulness" resulting in a phenomenological contradiction from which a new equilibrium of chickenal distribution was the inevitable synthesis.

Billy Graham: Why do you allow your thoughts to settle on something so inconsequential as a chicken crossing the road when the abyss of hell opens up before the unrepentant sinner?

Woody Allen: Why does anybody cross the road? I mean, haven't you ever wanted to know what was on the other side? Why do we have to persecute this poor chicken just for doing something that all of us have wanted to do at one time or another and been too insecure to do anything about?

Yasser Arafat: To start a further settlement on ancient Palestinian territory.

Gandhi: It was a non-violent protest to show that a single chicken with moral courage and determination can make a difference.

Marvin the Robot: That chicken's life had hit rock bottom and it no longer cared whether it got run over or not. I hope it did.

Criminal Activities

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you". He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed, "what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

"The same kind of stupid people that would name a rottweiler 'Jesus'!" said the parrot.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Buddhist to hot dog salesman: "Make me one with everything."

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

These are actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong ...

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that remove your manhood and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

20.Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feet on some ass of the giant lizard person.

A Gift from the Almighty

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex

1.You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me, you'll swallow that." has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it is soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many chocolates as you can handle.

18. You can never be too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate, it doesn't keep the neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter.

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new hookers."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

Actual Quotations from M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very, very low crime rate."

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

A Dracula Story

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and
shouts: "Hey you!!!! Get the fuck off our car!"

Role Models

A group of freshman College students were asked to name their biggest heroes and their greatest villains. Here are the top ten results:

The Heroes:

1. Luke Skywalker
2. Jesus Christ
3. Michael Jordan
4. Martin Luther King Jr.
5. Their parents
6. Mother Theresa
7. Princess Diana
8. Steven Speilberg
9. The man in front of the tank [think Tiannamen Square]
10. Bill Gates

The Villains:

1. Saddam Hussein
2. Barney
3. O.J. Simpson
4. The IRS
5. Satan
6. Bill Clinton
7. Bill Gates
8. Timothy McVeigh
9. Unabomber [Ted Kaczynski]
10. Darth Vader

I notice that Bill Gates made both lists....

Counter Intelligence: A movement led by the religious right.

Mainline Christianity: Technique for maximizing the effects of religion as a drug.

Soaring Ambition

A turkey was chatting with a bull: "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "they're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after the third day of eating dung, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, where he was spotted by the farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

The Ideal Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Honey, It's me."
"Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh! And I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news. The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure some where between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw your self or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door"

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

Murphy's Nails

Murphy owned a not-very-successful nails factory in Co. Kerry. He decided to give things a boost, so he called in an advertising agency to make an ad for TV. Three weeks later the agency rang saying his new ad would get its first showing on the following Wednesday night during Coronation Street. Murphy invited all his friends and relations round to his house to see the ad.

The ad came on and the camera zoomed in on a grassy field and there was lovely background music. The camera then moved over the grass and up the side of a hill. At the top of the hill it came to the bottom of a cross. It slowly moved up the cross... to reveal Jesus on the cross. It moved out to his hands to show the nails driven through the hands. A voice then said: "Always use Murphy's nails".

Murphy and his friends were appalled. Next day all the newspapers and media chat-shows were discussing the tasteless and irreverent ad for Murphy's nails. Murphy became the most hated man in the country and business slumped to an even lower level than before. Murphy rang the advertising agency in despair and asked them to change the ad. Three weeks later they rang saying there would be a new ad the following night.

Murphy got all his friends in again. The ad came on - as before the camera focused on the grass, same background music. "Shit, I'm fucked" says Murphy. The camera went up the hill and came to a cross, moving up ... this time there was no one on the cross. The camera looked off into the distance .... and there was Jesus legging it across the fields. A voice rang out: "They should have used Murphy's nails!".

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. He decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter's pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife naked in bed, waiting for him. As they began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the sudden urge to come, and fired the starter's pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and then my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air." 

You are through to the Psychiatric Hotline ...........

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 REPEATEDLY.
If you are codependent, press 2 for someone else.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a clinical depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding to the side of your head is alive and is about to bite your ear off.
If you suffer from clinical anxiety you should be aware that using the telephone is extremely dangerous.
If you suffer from amnesia you should replace the handset and forget the whole thing.
If you are addicted to gambling press your lucky number and there is a chance that we shall answer.
If you are contemplating suicide please leave a message after the tone and we will get back to you at a more convenient time. 

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. " - Rita Rudner

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Monkey Business

A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree. She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service.

When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks,"Is it a male or female?"

"Male," she replies.

"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states. An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the woman some instructions.

"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla - shoot the Chihuahua!"

Gorsky's Luck - a bit of history

When Apollo Mission astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Husband-User's Manual

A discussion group of married women in San Francisco came up with the following User's Manual for anyone taking delivery of a new (or second-hand) husband, alerting them of the many pitfalls of husband ownership and suggesting remedies for some of the commoner malfunctions of these units.

Unlike other consumer products, husbands come without instructions and there are no on-line help services of any value. We have therefore compiled some advice for anyone contemplating the acquisition of a husband or already in possession of one and experiencing the usual operational difficulties.

1. Choosing a Husband.

You should not be taken-in by appearances. A unit can be given a short-term make-over in order to appear more saleable, but will rapidly deteriorate into a useless sofa-bound overweight complaining lump of lard if not constantly prodded and coaxed into action. The effort needed to prevent this deterioration is seldom justified by the results obtained. Initial charm can melt away in a period of weeks (if not days) leaving a unit indistinguishable from the one you begged your best friend to have nothing to do with. Claims that newer models are free from some of the defects of earlier versions are largely false. Users of all models have reported extremely similar difficulties.

The best basis for husband selection is suitability for the precise tasks for which you are considering acquiring the unit. These might include the carrying-out of domestic chores, contribution to family finances, conscientious attention to parental duties, satisfactory personal hygiene, ability to understand your moods, listening skills (a feature virtually unobtainable even on the most up-to-date models), sensitivity and lack of selfishness in intimate situations (not yet available in the United States), good humor, patience, practical skills such as DIY or auto-maintenance etc. Units should be given an extended trial and where possible any previous owners should be consulted as to the likely long-term performance of the unit.

2. Specific Operating Difficulties

Error or Difficulty Encountered

Suggested Remedy

Unit Fails to Respond

Continues to stare into TV screen or newspaper despite all attempts at communication.

Fill large bucket with cold water. Add entire contents of freezer icemaker. Empty over head of non-responding unit.

Insufficient Memory

Unit forgets birthdays, anniversaries, instructions, agreements etc.

Try forgetting to cook his dinner or wash his clothes. If this doesn't work, try the above.

Unauthorized Access

Unit permits access to other people against wishes of registered user.

Using a large scissors, remove the left leg from all of unit's pants. Hammer six-inch nail through unit's favorite CDs. Inform local Jehovah's Witnesses that unit would like to be visited at work to discuss salvation.

Excessive Down-Time

Unit becomes unavailable at weekends during entire baseball season and/or persistently returns home exhibiting erratic behavior, unpleasant odor and inability to stand up.

These signs may indicate that the unit is beginning to exceed its useful working life and becoming due for replacement. Remedial measures tend to be temporary and unsatisfactory in these circumstances.

Unit Timed-Out

Unavailability of unit over an extended period.

Similar to above. In most cases replacement is the best remedy, or users may value the opportunity to remain off-line for a while.

Unit Becoming Unstable

Unit subjects user to irrational accusations of all kinds, tries to spy on user, becomes abusive, unpredictable or violent.

Reboot unit - i.e. apply boot to seat of unit's pants and propel unit out of front door. Lock door and change the key.

Fatal Exception Error

Unit lies motionless on the floor without breathing and slowly decomposes.

Remove evidence of any part you may have played in bringing about this error. Contact police and funeral parlor. Locate will.

Since You've Been Gone
A Country-and-Western Distillation

Since You've Been Gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
Oh well, I'm feelin' like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know...I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone

Since you've been gone
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling bowl on my toes
Since you've been gone
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose

Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It feels like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
Ever since the day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here

While we're on the subject of country music...

There's a very old fashioned weekly newspaper in Kirkwall on the Orkney Islands called The Orcadian, which is not known for snappy headlines. There has been one exception ...

A little while ago, a Country & Western group was touring the islands in one of those little six-seater Logan Air island-hopper planes they use up there. On takeoff from Kirkwall, one of the wheels fell off. The pilot -- Logan Air pilots are renowned for their skill -- managed to land his aircraft on a little grass airstrip on another island....

The Orcadian sub's headline: *You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Loose Wheel*

An Inspirational Story

Toward the end of church service, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?

All held up their hands except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the buggers."

Memorable Quotes

"Scattered showers my ass!" Noah.

"I have no problem with you talking to yourself as long as it doesn't turn into an argument" Woody Allen.

"If at first you don't succeed try, try again. Then quit. There's no point being a damn fool about it." W.C.Fields.

"The one thing that all porn stars have in common is a dread of filming the scenes that don't involve sex" Fanny Lightfoot (Porn Movie Director)

"For every human problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

"I think, therefore we are not related" Blackadder

"Eternity is very long - especially towards the end" Woody Allen.

The Universe may
Be as big as they say
But it wouldn't be missed
If it didn't exist
Piet Hein